Living In The Material World

So here it is, 3 a.m. and wide awake. I had not been feeling good, so decided to nap. Well, 3 hours later, and here we are. So let’s see what’s wandering around this little mind of mine.

I like getting older. I reflect more on why I am like I am or why I think like I think.

I think weight loss is one of those things that causes you to look at yourself differently. I find that when I am doing well, I look at myself in a whole different way. And when I am not doing well, I look at myself in an entirely different way. It shouldn’t be that way.

Our self perception is sometimes based on a number. Say, for example, turning 60. Some people see that as an age where you better start packing it in because you’re on the way out, not realizing, that if you live to be 80, you’ve still got 25% of your life left. That’s a large number.

Say you weigh 200 (I wish) and you see yourself as fat. You can become depressed and say, “what’s the point?”, instead of looking at the fact that you can do something about it. Setting achievable goals, slow and steady, yada, yada, yada, you get the picture. It’s just a number.

I feel real good because I’ve hit a weight I haven’t seen since I started My Walk to 199.  It’s 257.6. Dang. I like it. But say for example, I get crazy over Christmas, and go back to 265 or so. How would I feel about me? Disappointed? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Fat, dumb, and happy?

My weight or age shouldn’t determine how I view me. I find that if I am happy with me, then all the numbers don’t matter.  I cannot change how other people view me. I can only change my own self perception.  Hard to believe, but some people don’t like me. I know, I can’t believe it either.

But I can’t let other people’s thoughts or opinions affect me. My weight loss is not so other people will like me. It’s because I need to do this for me. I want to do this for me.

I’m liking My Walk To 199. I’m learning so much about me.

No matter what your issue: getting drunk, getting high, smoking, whatever, it comes down to how you feel about you. If I like me, I have no need to get drunk. If I like me, I have no need to get high. If I like me, I have no need to smoke. If I like me, I have no need to over eat. If I like me, I want to take care of me. For me.

I used to say, “I don’t care” if people didn’t like me, or didn’t like what I did, or how I felt. But that’s not true. I think we all care. What I really mean is not that “I don’t care”, but more so of “It doesn’t matter”. It doesn’t matter if people don’t care for me for how I am. Of course I think deep down we all want to be liked. To a point.

I have come to the realization that my dad didn’t really like me. He’s passed away now, but even when he was alive, it didn’t matter. When I was younger, I tried to please him. I played football, not because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to. And even then, it wasn’t good enough.

I used my dad as my excuse for my beginning to drink at 13, get high at 17, or any other negative behavior. I was such a victim. I used to think, “If I do such and such, he’d like me better” or some other nonsense.  When he didn’t, I’d think, “well screw it then”. But I think that’s a good thing to learn.

When you’re younger, you change who you are to be liked. “If I was skinnier, if I was more sexually active, if I was a blonde, brunette, whatever”, changing who you are for someone, anyone else. I know people who are in their fifties that still feel that way. Pleasing people and being miserable inside. We risk our lives to be liked. Think about it, WE RISK OUR LIVES.

We drink and drive. We run risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. We increase our risk of cancer, diabetes, and heart attack, with drunkenness, eating disorders, or getting high. Crazy, isn’t it?

As I said, I like getting older. Hopefully I am wiser, but I know one thing. I’m like Popeye, “I yam what I yam”. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). And I like it.   Can you say that about yourself? I hope so.

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2 Responses

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey. I appreciate your honesty in your story. I am so proud of the man you have become…husband…father…pastor…grandfather.

    • Thanks Kim. I hope others can learn from my failures. I appreciate you

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